Leaving
by claire sorrentino
Summary: Zack likes Cissnei, but he doesn't love her. This story highlights their relationship in the last days of Zack's life. Aeris/Zack/Cissnei - the love triangle that never was.
1. Chapter 1

**Leaving **

**Chapter One**

She's awake, but he thinks she's sleeping. He slips from her bed quickly, figuring that if he tries to go slow he'll just end up waking her. And he doesn't want to wake her. More than anything, he wishes he could take the whole night back. The candlelit dinner. The dancing. The romantic stroll down Loveless Avenue, holding hands. The arrival at her apartment. The first kiss, tentative, his lips brushing hers. The uncertainty on her face. His stupid reassurances that she's beautiful and everything will be great, wonderful, perfect.

She is beautiful, his Cissnei. He really likes her a lot.

But he doesn't love her.

His mako bright eyes let him find his clothes in the darkness of her room. He dresses silently, steals one last look at her sleeping form. A reedy light flitters through the curtains, illuminating the scars decorating her slender form. Only hours earlier, he'd traced those scars, even daring to ask where a few of the more unique ones came from. Her eyes had gotten that emotionless, Turk-look she wears so often and she'd whispered, "Work." The guarded look dissuaded him from asking more questions.

Maybe it was that guarded look that laid his doubts about her to rest. She was a Turk. That probably did stuff to a person. Changed them. He didn't know everything a Turk did, but from Tseng, he knew it wasn't all sunshine and flowers. A lot of it was distasteful.

That type of shit changed people, mostly for the worst.

Hell, he was starting to see that in SOLDIER too. The youthful exuberance he once felt was slipping through his fingers like sand. Ever since Angeal left, he'd come to realize that SOLDIER wasn't what he'd dreamed it was.

Cissnei must have been damaged and disillusioned a long-time before she met him. Her expression was always closed, her feelings tucked away. Well, almost always. It was those brief moments of life that he liked best about her. When she'd smile at him without meaning to. Or when she'd laugh at something he said or did.

Those infrequent moments when she drops her guard.

He bites his bottom lip, trying to pinpoint when in the evening he'd know he didn't love her. Could he have stopped this sooner? Was it when her fingertips brushed across his hips, calloused and rough with the aftereffects off too much training? Was when she body arched toward him, his name on her lips, reminding him who he was even as he was thinking about someone else.

Shit. He doesn't know.

He feels stupid, like scum. His mother would be so ashamed of him. Angeal would be ashamed. But he still leaves. He closes the door to her room, exhaling slowly. His mother will never know about this. Angeal is gone, dead. Degraded and discarded by ShinRa. Killed by his own sword at Zack's hands.

Maybe that's why he can't love her. Because he's lost faith in ShinRa and the Turks are an embodiment of the darkest part of ShinRa.

Yeah. That's gotta be it. You can't exactly trust ShinRa to be what they claim to be. And for better or worse, Cissnei is part of ShinRa. He's part of ShinRa too, but he can't help that. He's not going to desert like _some _people. But he's going to have more than a ShinRa life. He's going to get out properly. Just as soon as he finishes this last mission to Nibelhiem.

So he hurries out the door, locking it behind him and then slipping her key under the cracks.

He pulls out his PHS, flicking through his contacts quickly. It is 3:42 AM. Hardly normal calling hours, but he needs to hear her voice – even if just on her voicemail. He starts down the street as the phone rings, humming to himself some ditty he'd picked up in Wutai.

To his surprise, she answers with a sleepy, "Hello?"

He stops walking, forgetting where he is. Forgetting the open window. Forgetting Cissnei. "Aeris!" he exclaims, his voice carrying down the deserted Midgar streets. "Sorry! I hope I didn't wake you. Aww, who am I kidding? Of course I woke you."

She laughs, the sound ever cheerful, completely open. "I'm pretty mad at you," she says, but he can tell she isn't serious.

"I'm sorry," he says. Just talking to her is lifting his spirits. "Hey, I got an idea. How about I make it up to you."

"You'll have to beg pretty hard," she says. He imagines her green eyes sparkling, her struggle to keep an angry face.

"Two dates?" he offers. "No, wait. Three. And we'll go dancing. And I'll make you that flower wagon."

He keeps talking, trading light banter with the flower girl for almost fifteen minutes. Then, with a solemn promise to call again soon, he hangs up. For a second he's completely silent, then he tells the PHS what he hasn't worked the courage up to say to Aeris. "I love you."

Lying in bed, pretending everything is okay, pretending to be sleeping, pretending to not hurt, Cissnei feels the tears start seeping from the corners of her eyes.

Then Zack is leaving, and she can hear the bounce in his step as he leaves her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

He reaches the ocean and stops, staring across the dark waves at the full moon. She knows it's him immediately. Not that he looks exactly the same. His frame is thinner, the Buster sword on his back seems to weigh him down. Even over the steady beat of the waves, she can hear him sigh, then call out to his long dead mentor for help.

She curses whatever gods brought her to this particular beach on this particular night. How can she face him, much less face him in combat? How can she do her job? She moves forward, taking her frustration out with every footstep.

Zack doesn't even turn. "Hey, Cissnei, been a while."

A while? It's been over four years. Four years since she last saw him. Four years since he slipped like a wraith from her bedroom and declared love for the Ancient child from the slums. Her heart starts beating faster and faster. She's dreamed of this moment, this chance to finally see him again and tell him how hurt she is.

But can she have this moment with him? "Zack, the fugitive sample, is it you?" she asks. She's surprised how calm her voice is.

He doesn't even look at her. "It would appear so."

Whatever fleeting hope she was clinging to plummets. Her chest tightens. "What did they do to you in that place?" she asks. Her voice still sounds so calm. Inside, she indecision writhes like a tempest.

He finally looks at her. "This and that," he says. The words are flippant, but his eyes are laced with pain. He'll never be the same as he once was. Even if he escapes ShinRa, they've marked him. The skin around his eyes is paunchy and dark. His eyes are glowing with too much mako. He turns fully, resting one hand on his waist. "So, Cissnei, you're here to take us back, right?"

She looks away. That is why she's here. If she'd known it was him she was hunting . . . she would have . . . would have probably done nothing different. But at least she would have been ready. In her mind, she always confronted Zack about their past. Their past. Not her job. They were always on the same corrupt team in her mind. She feels tears start to threaten. Zack's the only man who ever made her cry. For days after he told Aeris he loved her. She'd called in sick. Curled up in her blankets and sobbed. She can't cry now. She has a job to do. She's supposed to bring him in.

"Please Cissnei, just walk away!" His voice is laced with grief. "I thought we could outrun the army, but the Turks are a different story."

She looks up, tears successfully pushed back. "Zack, I'm sorry . . ." Her voice doesn't sound steady anymore and she hates it. She pulls her shuriken, the large weapon unfolding silently. She raises it against him. How had it come to this?

He'd kissed her so gently that night. Lips soft against hers. They'd fit together, him making her whole. In his arms, she'd known peace for a moment. She didn't need wings to be free – with Zack, that night, she'd flown for the first and last time. Complete freedom.

But he'd left. Her throat constricted painfully and the threat of tears was back. Zack took a step back, something close to shock crossing his features. Did he think she was joking? She raised the weapon higher. "If you want to escape, you'll have to . . . " Her threat died. For a second she hesitated, then decided.

Zack wasn't hers. He hadn't been hers that night and he never would be. He'd escape this damned beach. Go back to Midgar, rescue the Ancient. Her head snapped up and she flung the shuriken at him. She'd seen him fight before. Even in his weakened state, she wasn't a match for him. She prayed he'd make it quick.

He moved his sword, deflecting her weapon easily. It flew through the air and for a second, she thought it was going to hit her. Instead it landed in the ground at her feet, slicing into the sand with a final sounding thud. Zack didn't follow up with an attack. Just pointed his Buster sword at her. His expression was anguished.

She stepped toward him, wanting to wipe that expression off. To hold him. To love him. To show him – dammit – that she could be better than she was. They could run away together. It would be hours before the Turks realized she deserted. In that time, she could have him halfway across the continent. They'd go to Bone Village in the south. It had no ShinRa presence so to speak of. And from there, they'd just . . . they'd just -

"Stay back!" he all but shouted. "Next time . . . I'll really have to . . ." He gave a barely perceptible shake of his head, and still holding the sword at her, he started running down the beach. After a few steps, he turned from her completely.

Cissnei stood rooted to the spot. Heart thudding painfully against her ribs. He was gone again. He'd left her again. This time she knew why. She was broken, a jagged piece of person that couldn't hold her own fragments together, much less someone else's.

Who else but a broken puppet would attack the only person she ever loved?

She picked up her shuriken. She knew now what she'd always known: Zack was meant for someone pure. Someone not sullied by the taint of ShinRa.

Four years ago, she let him walk out of her life, thinking he was better off without her. This time, she followed, knowing that, without her he'd never make it from the Nibel plains alive. But that he would have to make it from the Nibel plains without her. They were two pieces that would never fit together again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Cloud was right where he'd left him. Zack heaved a sigh of relief. He'd half expected to return to see the big bald Turk hauling his friend away while Tseng calmly told him how futile this escape was. He tried to put on a brave face. "The Turks are here, too. It's too dangerous to leave now." He almost adds something about Cissnei. Instead he says, "We'll rest here until morning." He doesn't think Cissnei will let it be that easy though.

He doesn't know what to think of her anymore. He hasn't thought about her in what feels like ages. Floating in mako, tormented by Hojo . . . his thoughts had lingered on Aeris, trying to hold the image of her immaculate in his memories. The rose-colored blush creeping up her cheeks when he complimented her. The pink ribbon in her hair. The way she handed him that list of little wishes. The way her bottom lip stuck out when she told him she didn't like the flower wagon he'd toiled to make. The feeling of her fingers, soft as flower petals on his forearm . . .

He forces himself from his thoughts. It's so hard to stay focused. "Then we'll leave at dawn." He forces a smile that once came so naturally. "Eh, we'll be alright." Even as he says it, he detects her. Cissnei. He grimaces, hissing her name. "Cissnei." There's a touch of venom. Why can't she just let him go?

He likes her still. Or at least he thinks he does. He's not sure he'll ever really like someone in ShinRa again. Especially someone in the Turks. Weren't they supposed to know everything that happened in ShinRa? Didn't that meant that she'd deliberately left him in Hojo's clutches?

She walks towards him, each step even and measured. Her expression is her Turks expression, the one he hates. The one he can't read. He pulls Angeal's sword, leveling it at her.

Then it changes. That little flicker that tells him the Cissnei that smiles at him is still there. "Wait," she says. Just one word. And he can feel every particle of his being dancing on edge, waiting, waiting on her command. What will she say? He almost expects her to offer to run away with him.

Cissnei's eyes are on Cloud. "He – He's the other sample they collected in Nibelhiem."

Zack shuffles in front Cloud, sword still braced. He feels like a mother chocobo. Poor Cloud is defenseless because of ShinRa. Its employees shouldn't even look at him. "Why did you come here?" he snaps. He's angry at her now. Aeris would have never ever put him on edge like this. He'd be able to trust her completely, not doubt her intentions for a second. "I told you to go away!" he snarls.

"He doesn't look well, Zack. Is he all right?" she sounds genuinely concerned. His head hurts. Is she telling the truth or just trying to get him to drop his guard?

"Mako addiction. Severe case."

She looks down. _Guiltily. _ "The experiments, isn't it?"

"Yeah." One word. He can taste the bitterness.

She pulls her PHS, holding up a hand to stall him. "Tseng, I've lost the target."

His mouth opens and closes, like a fish struggling for air. What the hell does that mean? Does it mean she's gonna let them go? Is it still part of some plan to catch him? He wants to trust her, but Cloud's counting on him.

He can hear Tseng giving her new orders – a new search grid to look in. She doesn't even acknowledge the orders. Just quietly ends the conversation when he's finished. Then she looks at him, eyes sparkling. "That's how it is. So get away safely." She starts to leave, giving him one last lingering look.

Is it a trick? He can't trust her. He – who is he kidding? If she's really on his side . . . "Cissnei."

She stops.

"Thank you."

When she turns around, she's crying. Not visibly. Just a mist over her eyes, a shine ready to fall. Her voice is falsely bright. "Here's a present," she says. She crosses the distance between them, pulling a set of keys from her pocket and placing them in his hand. Her brown eyes are impossibly wide, trying to stop tears from spilling.

"If you think you can trust me, then use it." A ghost of a smile flickers across her lips. He knows she loves him then. Stupid. He should have seen it earlier.

Poor Cissnei, she'd known what ShinRa was all along. But unlike him, she didn't have an Aeris to tug him from the brink. He was her "Aeris" and he'd left her. He takes a single step after her, but refuses to go further. He can't be her savior. He can't even save himself.

He needs Aeris. Just thinking about her makes him sick for the polluted slums. He'll always be friends with Cissnei, but he'll never forget Aeris. She's got that place in his heart. It just wouldn't be fair to go after Cissnei knowing he'll never be what she wants. So he lets her leave, but to show her his trust, he takes the bike.

**Author's Note:** I just wanted to say 'thanks' to everyone who has read, reviewed, and faved this story. There are a couple more chapters to go.

Also, I've tried to stay true to the scenes in Crisis Core, so pretty much all the dialogue is straight from there. It's just the internal thoughts and observations that are from me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

When she left she thought she'd never see him again. She'd gotten Tseng to give her the most unlikely-to-run-into-Zack assignment she could think of: his hometown of Gongaga. There were rumors of an Angeal sighting plus the off-chance that Zack would show up. Not that he would. Zack wasn't an idiot.

She'd only met Angeal once or twice, but Zack always spoke highly of him. She hoped she'd get a chance to run into the fugitive SOLDIER. She'd tell him about Zack and ask him to make a big disturbance to take the heat off his prodigy.

Of course, when she saw him walk into town, all her hopes shattered like glass. The frail schemes she built up in her head – the ways she could help him avoid detection – maybe by reporting his presence in his hometown even though he wasn't actually there – all of them were dashed. And unlike the beach, there were plenty of other operatives floating around. She had most of them scouting the hills, but eventually someone would come back.

And Zack was just wandering around, opening boxes, fighting monsters. His blond companion was sitting listlessly in the sidecar of her motorcycle, and Zack was trying to work up the courage to go home. That was really too bad. She needed to scare him away.

"Behind you," she says.

He stiffens in surprise. This time he hadn't detected her approach. Probably because this time she already knew what she was going to do: let him go. No. Make him go. He couldn't stay here. Her arms cross, and she tosses a casual barb: "So predictable. Couldn't you guess your hometown would be the first place we'd look?"

He looks sheepish, but tries to mask it. "Hmmh."

"Here to see your parents?"

"Yeah, so?" He places his hands on his hips. "What's wrong with that?" He jerks his chin at her. In the daylight, his skin still looks sickly, a hint of mako green in the pores. But the circles under his eyes are a little less dark. And his body appears a little less shaky. No doubt the elevated levels of mako, mixed with the combat he is putting himself through are starting to tone his body again.

"I see." She says, moving closer, arms still crossed.

He flinches, not from fear, but from embarrassment. "Yeah, well . . . I guess you're right. It was pretty careless." He turns. "We'll be going."

That's what she wants, even if she didn't want it. "Be careful," she whispers, the warning escaping before she can reign it in. "Security is very tight right now. Apparently, another target it in the area." Why had she said that? Zack wasn't going anywhere if he thought his mentor was here. Stupid, stupid. She wishes she can take it back. She'd just wanted to delay their parting for a few seconds.

"Who?"

Some lie springs to her lips, but she swallows it back down. "Angeal."

"I see."

That's not the response she is expecting. "'I see'? He died by your hand. You're not surprised?"

Zack shakes his head slightly. "I think he may have helped us. Escape ShinRa manor."

That's not what Cissnei expects. "Interesting." The part of her that's good at being a Turk is in high gear now, working through the possibilities. ShinRa is a puzzle, with pieces scattered everywhere. She's always prided herself on seeing the pieces – knowing she's being moved at the whim of power hungry, greedy, immoral men. But she's never looked closer. Maybe she should. Maybe that's what she'll do after Zack escapes.

"The sighting reports were true," she muses, more to herself than to Zack.

"But why would he come to a place like Gongaga?" Zack asks. He's not really talking to her either. They're both disconnected, bouncing ideas off each other. She takes comfort in their conversation, even as she half tunes him out. She turns Angeal's possible motives around and finds the only one that makes sense.

"He came here to see you. What other reason could there be?"

Zack comes alive at that, looking around frantically. "Run away if you can, Angeal. The Turks are watching."

She thinks that's funny. How one member of the Turks is suddenly 'the Turks.' But her amusement quickly sours as she remembers she's supposed to be driving him out of town. "I'll give you ten minutes. After that . . . I return to the Turks."

"Return?"

Her lips quick upwards. "Right now, I'm not in the mood." She sounds like Reno, and that makes her smile a bit more. Who would have thought she'd feel so alive after so much has gone wrong in her life? Being with Zack does that to her. Liberates her. "I can't bring bad news to yours parents," she says, deciding to let him know his family is okay. It is the least she can do, and maybe, just maybe, it'll keep him moving.

Zack takes her invitation. "My mom . . . how is she?"

"She's worried. She thinks that after all this you won't be able to find a wife." Cissnei knows he already found a wife, he just hasn't asked her to marry him yet. She wonders where they'll have the wedding, and if she'll be brave enough to go. If she'll even be invited in the first place.

Zack flushes pink. "What's up with that?"

"They're nice people. And they're doing fine."

"Good. That's all I need to know."

Silence falls heavy for a minute. She knows he'll be able to leave without seeing them now. Instead he asks about her parents. That's the thing about Zack. She never knows what he'll do next. She tries to picture the woman that gave birth to her, struggles for any little memory. But there's nothing. Nothing at all. She remembers ShinRa. The training. Always training. And then the Turks. They gave her the first and last home she'll ever have. Before them, she had no one. After them there will be no one.

"I was raised by ShinRa," she says softly.

The silence is awkward this time, not laced with goodbye. Zack breaks it finally with some lighthearted comment about her talking to his mother for him. "Just don't say anything that would make them think you're my bride to be," he adds.

Cissnei feels that stab through the heart. He isn't meant for her. He's meant for the Ancient. But she doesn't want to leave on a bitter note. She wants this memory for eternity to be untarnished. "I've . . . already told them I was," she lies, liking the look of surprise on his face.

"How could you tell them something like that!"

She keeps walking, waving casually over her shoulder.

"Cissnei!"

"That isn't my real name, you know," she says. She smiles, imagining the look on his face. He must be so scandalized.

"Eh?" He takes a step toward her, booted feet striking the earth.

"Come on now! Only 5 minutes left," she says. She doesn't look back. If that's to be her last memory, then so be it. She'll figure out how to keep him safe. She'll do anything for him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

The haze of polluted Midgar hung in the distance. Zack carefully hid Cloud's body, ears straining for the too close sound of guns being readied. He could hear the old death-trap truck rumbling further and further away. Overhead the sky was so blue and endless that Aeris would be terrified. He wished he could show it to her.

Instead he started a steady, falsely confident march to his death. ShinRa had harried his every step. He could feel the weight of their pursuit in his bones. He raised Buster high, leaning his forehead against it. He was what SOLDIER was meant to be: honorable. He meditated on that, forcing all thoughts of dishonor from his mind. No one was perfect all the time.

He rounded the corner, mako bright eyes scanning the troops. A sea of blue uniforms with three red "eyes" in each head. He wondered, idly whether some idiot had thought that up to intimidate the common ShinRa enemy. His lips curled into a sharkish smile. Three artificial red "eyes" had nothing on SOLDIER enhancements. The troopers assembled against him would know fear before the end.

"Boy oh boy," he murmured. "The price of freedom sure is steep." His voice must have carried, because one of the closer troopers flinched slightly. Perfect. A first target. Zack launched forward, Buster sword whistling through the air, cutting through the gun held in trembling fingers.

The fight was a blur to Zack. His mind was half in the fight, half in fantasy. He sliced through the missiles launched from helicopters, whirling away from the blast. He hardly heard the screams of the troopers blown away by their own comrades. He felt the minimal resistance in their bodies as Buster cleaved through. Today was not for mercy. Today was for making their victory cost so damn much that Cloud would win. Today was for revenge.

Memories of Genesis flashed through Zack's mind, zinging like lightning in a summer shower.

_Genesis, scowling at him, his little worn leather volume of LOVELESS in hand. "You've never heard of LOVELESS?" His lips curled in disdain and he tilted his head to glare at Angeal. "Where did you find this yokel?" _

_Angeal frowned. "He shows some promise." _

_Genesis waved his hand impatiently. "You're wasting your time, Angeal. This one couldn't sit still if it tried." He'd walked around Zack slowly, like an old fishwife critiquing her son's new bride. "I'd wager that it doesn't know what a book is much less how to read it. Probably dreams of being a 'hero.'" He paused his evaluation. "With your help he might make Second, but I can guarantee he won't be First."_

Zack launched himself into the air, irritated that, of all people, he was thinking about Genesis at a time like this. He powered up a couple of materia, including thundaga. A red summoning circle appeared around twenty poor troopers' feet. He blasted the spells at them in quick succession. Well, if there was one thing Genesis was good for he was good for making a splendidly devastating materia attack.

Zack hit the ground. Two troopers lay, twitching, blue uniforms blackened with smoke. He ended them piteously. He felt stray bullets creeping through his guard. Stupid. It was too early to die. There were still too many troops. Besides, today was a day for honor and impossible victories. That reminded him of Angeal.

_Too many memories rushed through him. The pain of training for hours and hours without end. The bitter tang of disappointment that never showed on Angeal's face when Zack screwed up a mission or skipped training to hang with Kunsel at the Goblin Bar. The aches of losing a thousand battles to his mentor. The mind-numbing nothingness he felt when he finally beat his mentor definitively. How sad to finally get what he wanted. How utterly soul-crushing to kill the only man who ever believed he could be something. Not to mention the sting of disappointment when it was Lazard who freed him from the ShinRa basement. Killing Angeal was one of those moments he could never take back._

But he would give these troopers a taste of what Angeal had taught him. A primal strength. He swung Buster sword to his back, feeling it clip into place. His legs bunched and he launched forward, relishing the feel of bones surrendering to his fists. He would never match Angeal for sheer brawling skills. But today . . . today he came close.

Blood soaked into his left boot. Zack looked down, realizing bemusedly that a bit of shrapnel was sticking out. No. Not shrapnel. A broken piece of someone's sword. He yanked it out, throwing it to the ground. For a moment they held still. The troopers staring in awe.

Then it started again. The clash of sword against gun. Sword against missile. SOLDIER against everything else ShinRa had to offer. Except the Turks. Zack was glad at their absence. He deliberately refused to think about Cissnei, and in her stead, he thought of Tseng.

_One memory in particular. After that fateful mission in Modeohiem where Tseng had been caught daydreaming while flying in the mountains during a snowstorm. After Zack got over the shock of losing Angeal, he'd ended up in the Goblin Bar with the senior member of the Turks. Tseng, as always, had his hair neatly pulled back, leaving his face with a severe look, red dot on his forehead perfectly centered. _

"_Who's Stella?" Zack has asked, remembering the snippet of a name that Tseng had muttered just before they hit the mountainside. _

_Tseng jerked, shoulders tightening, mouth tightening. He didn't say anything. Zack hadn't expected him to. Turks liked information too much to freely give it away. But Tseng surprised him. "A woman who saved my life," he said carefully. "I was on a mission in Wutai – the first one since I left my family and my so-called honor behind."_

"_Wait? You're from Wutai! Seriously? That's so . . . weird."_

_Tseng gave him a shuddered look. "Keep your voice down. I've left that part of me behind."_

"_Sure, sure," Zack said. "So what happened?"_

"_I was captured, chained to the ceiling." He took a shot of whiskey. "The fire started accidentally. My captors fled as the flames became uncontrollable. She came through the flames, wreathed like an angel. She didn't have to come for me. I . . . I had been unnecessarily cruel to her during training. It was her first mission. I wouldn't have come for me." His lips had twisted into a sad smile. "I suppose she's all grown up now."_

What Zack wouldn't give for an Air Strike right about now. Even all the grief Tseng gave him about calling the strikes in was worth it. And unlike the hobos flying the ShinRa choppers arrayed against him, Tseng actually always hit what he aimed at.

The troopers were rallying about him. "Remember," one of the commanders shouted, "Even the great General Sephiroth fell in battle. This SOLDIER is not even close to that level."

"Shut yer mouth!" Zack hollered. He forced the issue, shoving Buster into the trooper's face. Red blood exploded outward. "Sephiroth was nothing more than a monster. Not even a man."

_Except . . . except one memory lingered. Again, after Modeohiem. Sephiroth wandering the halls, a bottle of hard liquor hanging limply from his long-fingered hand, shoulder brushing the walls. His eyes caught and held Zack's gaze for a split second. His throat constricted and he moved away, motions shambling and listless. For days Sephiroth haunted the hallway outside Angeal's office, wraithlike in his grief. _

Thinking of Sephiroth pulled his swordsmanship out of the gutter. Buster felt lighter, longer. He dissected his enemies. But the sun was marching across the sky. He can imagine the hum of the slums, see Aeris's green eyes, sparkling in the grit and mako lit streets.

Today . . . today if he was better than he had ever been he might actually see her in living color. Today he could be lucky. Cissnei fluttered through his mind. He felt bullets bite into his unprotected back.

_He ran across the lobby when he spotted her, booted feet making too much rukus. "Cissnei . . . you're lucky, right? That's what Kunsel said. He said if I rub your head I won't ever, ever lose. So, what do you say? Huh! Gonna let me?" He bounced around her, grinning like an idiot. _

_She tried to glare, but ended up smiling softly. "Just do it quick," she said. "Before Reno and Rude get back from the bathroom." _

_He stuck both hands in her hair, noticing for the first time just how soft her curls were. He rubbed her head vigorously. Then caught himself, his face too close to her, fingers entwined in her hair. "Feeling lucky?" she asked, lips parting. Her tongue darted between her lips, wetting them._

"_Yo, Cissnei, whatcha doing with this lug?" one of the other Turks drawled, breaking the moment. _

_Cissnei pulled away, face closing down. "Later, Zack." She left without looking back. But his mako enhanced hearing let him hear the drumbeat of her heart. He'd gone after her that time. Caught her hand and begged her for dinner. _

Oh Cissnei! He should have never touched her. Never touched her hair or lips or life. Would she be better without him? Was she still searching for him? Was she out in the Midgar wastes, her marching orders to bring him back to Hojo – dead or alive? Or was she in an office building, destined to get a notice that Zack Fair, SOLDIER First Class was dead. Killed in Action. Silenced by the endless waves of blue troopers and the ratatatatat of machine gun fire?

He only landed critical blows, every strike ending every trooper he hit. But they kept coming. His mind was skipping around furiously. A memory danced out of the perception, faces blurred. Three men. One with red hair, one with silver, one with black – didn't one of them mean something to him?

He couldn't remember.

Another memory. A man in a black suit, hair pulled back. "_She loves you."_ He said. Zack couldn't place his voice. Couldn't place who loved him. For a second he saw a girl with curly copper hair on a beach at night, raising a red shuriken. Her image flickered. He grasped at it, but it slipped like sand through an hourglass glued to the table. What was her name? He didn't remember? Or did he ever really know?

He moved on instinct, killing without discrimination. Why was he fighting again? Blond spikes and blue eyes . . . oh, yeah. Cloud. Stupid. How could he forget Cloud? He moved faster, or at least thought he was. Maybe his enemies were getting faster. Who were his enemies?

That girl again. Small smile on her lips. Body arching toward him. Her face kept blurring and he couldn't hear her voice. He started to panic. Those people . . . those people meant something? He couldn't keep the images.

He started to fall, darkness closing in, stealing the best days of his life and leaving barren nothing in its place. Then he saw her. Green eyes, brown hair. Pink ribbon. White dress. Little wishes. Flowers. Beautiful, fragrant, innocent. His angel. His love.

Aeris!

The memories washed through him, endless, promising him eternity of peace in her arms. He hit the ground and the sky opened up, rain falling in a sweeping, majestic downpour. He didn't hear the gun firing, didn't feel the bullets tearing into him.

He had her. His Aeris. She was so beautiful. Her light shone, drowning out the pain of those he couldn't remember. Leaving this world wasn't so bad with her soft light illuminating his soul. Leaving wasn't so bad with her here with him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six **

Tseng found her after she found him. Found him after it was over. Found him after any hope of rescue rattled past his bloodied lips. She rushed to his body, slamming Full Cure into his body, refusing to believe it when it nothing happened. Her knees hit the blood and rain soaked ground. "Zack?" she whispered. "Zack? Can you hear me?"

His dead eyes stared at the weeping heavens.

"Zack?" She cast Full Cure again and again and again. Each time faster than the last. Black spots danced in front of her eyes. She didn't realize she was crying until she couldn't see him anymore. Tseng touched her shoulder.

"Cissnei –"

She shot to her feet, spinning, eyes flashing with rage. "Don't you . . . don't you talk to me. Don't you ever talk to me!"

His lips tightened into a thin line.

Cissnei dropped back at Zack's side. "So this is it," she said, trying and failing to keep the emotion out of her voice.

"Cissnei," Tseng said again, trying to reach her.

She looked up at him with eyes full of too much emotion. "Please, Tseng, go away. Leave me alone . . . to say goodbye." He lingered for a long time, speaking to her words that she either couldn't or wouldn't hear. After a while he returned to the helicopter. It stopped raining. The blue of day bled into the black of night.

The air smelled of rain and blood and death. Cissnei held Zack's hand, mind spinning through every moment in the past few weeks. Every moment since that fateful moment on the beach. Every moment since she casually sauntered away in Gongaga. What could she have done differently?

She wanted to find that thing that would make it so it was all her fault he was dead, but all she could think was that if only she were more like Aeris, less of a Turk, less Cissnei. If only she were different, someone better, someone sweet instead of only someone who looked sweet, someone who could make Zack smile all the time, someone who smelled like flowers and soap instead of sweat and blood . . . if only she were better, than Zack could have loved her. And when they met on the beach, by the cliffs, in the village square . . . when that happened, Zack could have stopped his foolish quest to Midgar.

They could have run away together. Taken care of the other sample and evaded ShinRa's omnipresent taint of death for ever and ever.

Tseng was trying to pick her up. He drew her to her feet. When she seemed steady, he let go. "We have to leave. We'll bury –" He swore because the second he let her go, she flopped back to the ground like a lifeless puppet. The mud around Zack's body was hued red. Several splotches of mud hit Zack's face. Cissnei very calmly wiped them off.

He ran his hands through his hair, debating just knocking her out and taking her home. He had never seen Cissnei like this and prayed that he would never see it again. His PHS rang. It wasn't like they could just stay out here. He glanced at the display: President ShinRa. He snapped the phone open, dreading his new orders. As suspected, he was needed at the office immediately.

"Cissnei, it's time to go."

Cissnei frowned, wishing that Tseng would just go, just leave. Part of her brain turned back on. She stood up, meeting his black eyed stare with one of her own. "It's okay, Tseng. This was . . . I expected that we would find him first. I wasn't prepared."

His eyes narrowed. He knew she was lying about it being okay.

"Is that the office?" she asked. "Do you have to go back?"

"We have to go back," he said. "Both of us –"

"That's alright, I'll stay," she said. "I don't want to bring him back to Midgar. I'll bury him out here. There's a shovel in the chopper, right?" Without waiting for his response, she walked to the helicopter, pulling open the back panel and removing a black handled spade. "I have my shuriken and several materia, so I'll be alright. The monsters around here aren't really that tough anyway. In fact," she said, forcing a smile, "The fight must have really been something because there really aren't any monsters in the area." Her smile faltered slightly. "Well, except us of course, but it's not like I'm going to kill myself, so you don't have to worry." She paused, realizing that she was rambling. She tried to close down all emotions and give Tseng the perfect little Turk that she usually didn't have to pretend to be.

Tseng was shaking his head. "No, Cissnei. We'll go –"

"No!" she snapped, patience breaking. "I'm going to bury him and then walk back. If you're so damn worried about me, then send a car to pick me up. I'll be on the main road."

She strolled into the darkness, keeping Zack's fallen form in her line of sight. Without looking at Tseng, she slammed the shovel into the rocky ground. It resisted her, but she was determined. She stepped back, summoning a bolt spell to weaken the ground. Several strikes later, she was able to start moving the earth.

She dug with single-mindedness, blotting out everything. The strain to her muscles was soothing. All her thoughts focused on digging. She'd dug more graves than a woman should have ever dug. Most were shallow, just deep enough to cover the bodies of those who crossed the Turks or their masters. This one was getting deeper by the second.

Tseng must have left because when she finally stopped digging, he was gone. Her body felt weary. She dropped the shovel and crawled to Zack's body. He still stared blankly at the night sky. She sighed. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I couldn't be . . . better." She drew her fingers down, closing his eyes. His skin was ice to her touch.

She leaned down, brushing her lips against his forehead. "I . . . cared for you, you know. More than as a friend." She bit her bottom lip. "You made me . . . better. You made everyone better." She choked, throat tightening. "You even made Tseng better, you know. You told me once that he was too serious, but whenever he talked about you he would get that amused look. He'll . . . take care of Aeris for you, you know. He takes his promises seriously."

Zack didn't respond. She wanted him to.

"Dammit Zack." She fumbled with her supplies, pulling out a handful of phoenix downs and throwing them onto his lifeless body. "LIVE! Just come back, kay?" Red sparks from the feathers lit up the darkness for a second, images of a cherub appearing like fairies to dust him with the magic of life. But his chest didn't rise and his eyes didn't open.

She threw her head back and screamed, screamed, screamed. Again and again and again. Until her voice hurt and her head felt light, nausea threatening to leave her sprawled unconscious by his side. Instead she lay beside him, staring at the heavens.

"Your mother is planning your wedding, you know," she said, softly. It'll on the cliffs. You'll be able to see the entire Gongaga forest, and out to the sea. She said the flowers were going to be roses and daisies. She told me that before you wanted to be in SOLDIER you used to collect flowers and bring them home. The roses are going to be pink and the daisies white. You'll wear a black suit, kinda like me, you know. I bet you look real handsome in a tux."

Her fingers tightened around his hand, hating way they already felt stiff and cold. Lifeless. She kept talking, trying to stave off more screaming. Eventually she would draw some monster to her if she wasn't careful. And she wasn't sure she would fight right now.

Instead she continued talking about a wedding that wouldn't happen. About how the entire village would turn out. And maybe his friends from SOLDIER could come too. His mentor, Angeal, would be the best man. He would stand for Zack as he prepared to share his life with the woman of his dreams.

Cissnei told him that she would be a bridesmaid. She would wear pink, because that's the color Aeris would have the bridesmaids wear. She would tie her hair into some silly updo, pin flowers in it and smile. Because she wanted him to be happy.

Aeris would be his vision in white. And he would vow to her that he would love her forever and ever, till death do us part. "Death . . ." she whispered. "Oh hell. What am I saying?" She sat up, rubbing her eyes, trying to get the sting of grief from them. "Here I am – just as bad as your momma, planning for nothing."

"What do you think of that Zack? Pretty stupid, huh?"

He didn't answer, but if he did, he would have made her cry. He wouldn't think it was stupid at all. She started sobbing, tears no longer silent.

But her PHS was ringing. Had been ringing for a while. She dragged it from her pocket, opening it, swallowing the tears and hiccups. "Tseng?"

"Oh thank heavens," he said, relief palpable. "Where are you?"

"On my way back," she lied. "I buried Zack, but I want to report that he was . . . eaten by scavengers and there is nothing left. That way no one will come for him."

"Agreed," Tseng said without hesitation. Then, after a pause, "Are you alright, Cissnei?"

"Yes," she lied. She swallowed a hiccup. "Not 100%, but I'll be okay. I'll probably hit a couple of bars and then sleep all day tomorrow. Would it be alright if I didn't come in?"

"Yes, yes," Tseng said. "Take a couple of days. The fallout from Veld is . . . making things delicate, but Reno, Rude, and I will manage without you for a few. But Cissnei . . ."

"Yes?"

"Call me as soon as you get to Midgar. I'm coming to see you."

"Sure thing," she said. "It'll be just a couple of hours now."

She expected Tseng to hang up, but instead he remained on the line, quiet. "Stella –" he said after almost two minutes of silence.

Her real name. The one she didn't get to tell Zack because she couldn't find him in time. . She felt the tears again, followed by the urge to scream, followed by a new sensation: the desire to destroy. She wanted to break everything, ruin everything. She wanted to tell Tseng that it was his fault Zack was dead. And that she hoped he was happy with losing one of the only people who was an unconditional friend without a hidden agenda.

Instead she hung up and flung her phone as far as it would go. It landed some thirty-seven feet away, breaking into pieces. She pulled her handgun and shot the offending piece of plastic and glass until she couldn't see any fragments anymore.

Zack still hadn't moved. His grave loomed in the darkness. She was going to have to put him in it now. Before someone showed up to find his body. When she touched him, the anger melted. She went back into stunned mode, moving his body as gently as she could. The ground where he had been lying was soaked in blood.

His body was stiff and didn't move well. This, she thought, was what all her good memories came to: death. She lowered his body into the crude grave, taking care not to abuse it further. She positioned his arms on his chest. Stared at him.

"I'll never forget you."

Nothing.

"I hate you."

Nothing.

"I wish . . . I never met you."

Nothing.

"I didn't mean that. I could never regret meeting you."

Nothing.

"You tried to rescue me, do you remember?"

Nothing.

"And I told you my name was Cissnei."

Nothing.

"You were so surprised that I was with the Turks."

Nothing.

"You saved me . . ."

Nothing.

"Wake up?"

Nothing.

"I love you, Zack."

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

She took the shovel, hating the tremble in her voice. The tremor in her hands. The first shoveful of dirt felt the hardest, seeing it hit his body almost more than she could bear. The second was harder. When some dirt hit his face she almost stopped. Pure stubbornness made her keep going. She screamed the entire time. And when the grave was filled, she felt really bad.

Zack Fair, SOLDIER First class, relegated to an unmarked grave. No. That wasn't right. She would mark it with his sword. He needed his sword.

Except she couldn't find it.

That was what saved her. His sword was missing. The part of her that was a Turk kicked in, started looking for clues. There was a furrow in the earth, leading to the plains. She followed it, steps deft. The monsters still hung back, but the further from Zack she got, the more she could see the glare of their eyes in the darkness.

The trail was broken, jagged, and uneven. As it a drunk were using the sword to draw lines in the sand on a beach. She found the sword at the first blush of dawn. It was clasped between the trembling fingers of a young man with spiky blond hair.

"The other sample," she whispered, trying to remember his name. She reached his side in a heartbeat, casting Full Cure. He perked up a bit, glancing at her with soft blue eyes, infused with mako light. "For the both of us . . . " he murmured. "I'm gonna live, Zack."

"Yes," she said. "For both of you." She grabbed him into a tight hug. "I'm gonna help you, kay? Get you into the city. You can disappear." She bit her lip. "What's your name?"

"Z-zack."

"He's dead," she said. "I . . . buried him."

"I'm dead?"

"No. Zack's . . . dead. You're not Zack."

He frowned, brow pinched. "I'm not Zack," he repeated. "I'm . . . Cloud," he said after a drawn out moment. "Cloud Strife. SOLDIER First Class."

"Right," Cissnei agreed, hardly hearing him. "Cloud Strife. But you're not with SOLDIER anymore, okay. You' not with ShinRa. We're . . . ShinRa's evil, okay?"

He shook his head slightly, confused.

She hugged him again. "It's okay, the mako will affect you for a while."

They didn't talk after that. She helped him into Midgar. For a while she was tempted to bring him to Aeris's church, but at the last second she remembered that place was under surveillance. Instead she took him to her apartment, letting him sleep off his mako poisoning in the safety of a Turk's bedroom. No one would look for him there.

For weeks she tended to him, keeping Zack out of her mind. Then, one day, she came back and he was gone. Just like Zack, slipping off in the middle of the night.

But that was okay. If nothing else, she understood that Cloud was Zack's living legacy. And no part of Zack could ever stay with her. Except all those little moments when he made her life better.

**Author's Note:** This is the end. More or less. I might write an epilogue to explain where Cissnei ended up after Cloud left - maybe even a renunion between the two of them. I haven't decided yet, but feedback on whether that would be something you'd be interested in would help me make up my mind. Well, to be more specific, I'm debating if I should just break down and write a multi-part story with Cissnei/Cloud set after AC or if I should just do an epilogue to this. Let me know in reviews :)

Anyway, thank you to everyone who has reviewed, faved, and followed this story.


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